Relationships > Negotiation and compromise?

Everyone says you have to compromise in a relationship. But my good friend and expert on the male mind, Alison Armstrong, creator of The Queens Code for women who want to understand men, puts it this way:

“Being in partnership is never instinctive, It is always a conscious choice of human spirit. A negotiation in a partnership has the opposite intent of the objective in an adversarial relationship. Instead of trying to get the most you can, you are trying to give the most you can, while receiving the LEAST you need to be happy to have given."

I agree with her til the last sentence: why cant both people receive the MAXIMUM amount of happiness from the giving? If someone gets the "least" that implies "not enough." But what if giving was enough? What could be more filling than Loving?

What if we are all just Love looking for a place to happen? Isnt giving for the sake of loving, the MOST you can have? And is giving, for any other reason, ever anything but depleting?

What do you think about compromise in a relationship?

I totally agree with you. As a matter of fact I had similar conversation with my friend, who tends to "fight" for her space under the sun with her kids and husband. We vacationed together and observing my interaction with my kids she accused me of being a pushover. I tried to explain to her that I don't enjoy "winning" just for winning sake and control my family against theirs will. I don't force people to do things I want just on principle. Seeing my loved ones unhappy ,or anyone else for that matter, would take the joy away from getting what I wanted. I feel like there is always a compromise which would keep everyone happy.

December 2, 2018 | Registered CommenterIrina

Haha, Irina you had me smiling and shaking my head YES until the very last line you wrote: "I feel like there is always a compromise which would keep everyone happy."

Try this on for size:

"Everyone has the power to be happy, Everyone makes their own choice to be happy. Its not my job nor is it my desire to find the compromises that will keep everyone happy - this could NEVER work because people change all the time, their ideas about what makes them happy shift constantly, and after all that is how it is meant to be - so of course trying to sort that all out for everyone is not enlivening for me, or for them. Instead, I choose to be happy! No matter who is squabbling, or who is compromising, or who thinks I am a Pollyanna - thats all OK with me because I can still choose to be happy. How I love to just bask in my family no matter what mood they're in. I practice self soothing so much that nothing can shake that happiness for me. I notice my happiness being around everyone I love, seeing them pursuing their form of happiness, sifting through experiences and finding their own preferences. I love has this opportunity to explore and sort this out for themselves - and oh by the way that includes ME! Sometimes I will feel that my preference is to go along with what my kids want....sometimes it will be my preference to go my own way. I trust what I feel in the moment and I am happy to allow myself to follow what feels good to me.
And some part of me knows that I am setting wonderful example for my children...and this isnt why I do it, I do it to be happy! But what makes me happy it is seeing my children happy...and knowing that they have their own Inner Guidance which will always work better for them than me fixing things for them...and I am such a beautiful example of this Inner Guidance not when I teach them about it in words, but when I follow my own Inner Guidance in their presence."

December 15, 2018 | Registered CommenterRhonda Uretzky, E-RYT

This discussion resonates with me a lot too, Rhonda and Irina. The idea of giving for any reason other than love does seem depleting, or like it could lead to resentment. I think if you’re with a partner who you’re mostly vibrationally aligned with, your “negotiations”/“Compromises”/“help”, etc. naturally comes from an authentic loving place. (And as I type this I find myself wondering--is it really that straightforward? lol).

The idea of compromise within a marriage reminded me of something my husband and I have a lot, and that “compromise” carries a negative stigma with it. He was previously engaged to someone else, and in his heart knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship but he was surrounded by so many friends saying “This is what marriage is—its a compromise—its never perfect, you pick your battles, marriage isn’t supposed to be easy etc. etc.” I also know many people who feel this way as well, and think there is no such thing as marrying your best friend, or happy marriages or anything like that until I met him. Don’t get me wrong—I am not saying him and I always see eye to eye and I am not saying we don’t have challenges we work through together. BUT, the one thing we are always are super clear in is that we want to live our best fun happy lives together, and we both feel that so wholeheartedly. When we hear friends and family wondering if they are dating the right person, or considering settling because “there’s no such thing as the right person”, and “it’s supposed to be hard”, it drives us bananas, LOL!. We feel blessed that we found each other and discovered the “secret” that it’s not supposed to be hard and it doesn’t have to be hard. We often talk about how lucky we are to be so happy together but the more I am learning about it, I am wondering if maybe it isn’t just luck, that we have just put out the vibrations into the universe to have a happy fun loving relationship and eventually we found each other.

This is a long-winded way of me saying—I am not so sure about this whole compromise thing after all. :) Maybe when we know and embrace that we can choose to be happy, there isn’t this need to compromise as much.

December 16, 2018 | Registered CommenterPamela

Brava Pamela - you never have to settle and the Universe is loving fulfilling all your preferences so ask, ask, ASK! As for your relationship - the best ones often show us some contrast so we can continue honing our preferences! It's not something you have to iron out or fix - its part of a naturally healthy relationship to continue to have contrast, so you can gain more and more clarity

yes, we are told that nothing is perfect, everyone has to settle, relationships are hard and marriage is about compromise ....just apply the George Costanza rule to everything you were ever told ("do the opposite!) and you'll know all the secrets of vibrational living!

December 16, 2018 | Registered CommenterRhonda Uretzky, E-RYT

Pamela, I am so happy to hear about your relationships with your husband, you are very lucky. I also never understood how people can stay together through constant fighting, disagreement, and power struggle. Going back to previous statement about negative tone of the word "compromise", and giving up my preferences for someone else's : I guess, my preference for peace in most situations is stronger than preference for something else. I also feel very lucky, that for the most part my husband feels the same- we both just don't have big preferences for small things.

December 17, 2018 | Registered CommenterIrina

When arguing is an attempt to prove rightness or validate your own opinion or overpower others, its exhausting on so many levels - physically, emotionally, and especially energetically because that which you resist only gets more of your focus which means you are creating more and more of it in your life! But when it comes to preferences, I am developing a real respect for mine...and everyone else's. I truly believe that everyone benefits when everyone gets to have what they want which just makes me want to root for everyone! To me thats true peace: when everyone can have their preferences matter. How can this work when people want to eat together but everyone has a different preference for the restaurant? I have no idea...but perhaps the first step is just posing the question, "How can I eat where I like and also have everyone else get what they want?" Sitting back and letting the Universe work it magic is always my preference!

December 17, 2018 | Registered CommenterRhonda Uretzky, E-RYT