How to stop facing reality and start creating it

Ah, how I love a good joke. 

Here's an example: just 40 short years ago yoga was a joke ("Do you mean 'yogurt?'" my friends would ask). Today yoga is a multi-million dollar industry that includes Lululemon fashion fails and props that practically do the poses for you.

At some point, yoga went from weird to normal. 

Who's got the last laugh now?

Now the Wall Street Journal reports the latest oldest-idea, something I have been teaching in Hot Yoga Teacher Training for years:

You need to stop facing reality if you ever want to live the life you really want, and start understanding how you're creating reality.

Here's what we mean...

Bill Baker was a triathelete who suffered a heart attack after running 22 miles. When his doctors told him to give up endurance training, he felt a big part of his life had been ripped away.

And that was his new story: misery. Self pity. Self doubt. Story after story going in one direction: into the cesspool.

That's how stories work: they pick up momentum in the direction you begin them.

Ever play that game where one person writes one line of a story and the next person contributes the next logical line? That's exactly how your mind works. Tell a misery story and the next chapter will show up.

One day, Bill caught a glimpse of something different: without endurance training he could jog without worrying about his pace. And then another: less time training meant more time with family.

Mr Baker was beginning to experience what I call, "writing over it." Instead of retelling the old story of how things are and how bad that felt, he began writing over the old with a new story, a story he preferred.

We all create narratives, whether explicitly or in subtler ways. Now the research is in: how we choose to construct these stories has a large impact on our mental health.

And we all choose which stories we will tell.

This isn't about “looking on the bright side.” Try doing that when you in abject misery and you will end up feeling worse; the gap between the bright side and the shadow over you is just too huge.

But you can take small, deliberate steps in the direction of the light and eventiually, you will emerge.

Faster than you think.

Studies back up the evidence: changing how we think impacts what we experience life.

In other words, change your mind and change your life...not vice versa. It's not you'll believe it when you see it. It's exactly the opposite. Stop waiting for something to change; talk about it first and then watch it show up.

How we think determines what we say and then what experience. And that's good news: because thought happens in a flash. And you have complete control over what you think.

The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology says people who frame events in their lives—even negative ones—in positive ways have better mental health, and those who frame events in their lives - even positive ones - in negative ways have poorer mental health.

In one study, researchers asked 89 adults in their mid-to-late 50s - an age when people often start to physically decline - to tell their life stories.

They evaluated each person’s physical and mental health in the beginning of the study, then followed them for four years, reassessing their health again annually based on how often four major themes appeared in their stories:

• Agency—Did they feel able to influence and respond to events, or did battered around by outside forces?

• Communion—Are they connected to others or disconnected?

• Redemption—Could they turn something negative into something positive?

• Contamination—Did they talk about good things laced with or ending badly?

When people had higher levels of agency, communion and redemption coupled with lower levels of contamination, their mental health improved. Good mental health meant less depression and high satisfaction plus psychological and social well-being.

In other words, those who tell a better story live a better life.

Who's watching your thoughts?

So how do you tell a better story when things feel like they've imploded on you? Slowly, deliberately, and in ways that are believable to you:

• Take small steps. Don't expect to jump from depression to bliss. It's not even necessary.
• Remember that there is always one small thing you can do to feel better right now. Chocolate works.
• Look for something you can truly believe right now, and makes you feel slightly better. Sometimes the one that works for me is, "I dont have to think about or solve this right this minute. It can wait."
• Find one friend and play the game Remember It Forward:back and forth, tell each other one line in a better-feeling story about your life. Extra points if you can tell it as if you are looking back at it, as if it already happened.
• Be on the alert: catch yourself telling those old bad-feeling, negative stories. They can be insidious and subtle; sometimes they can pass for "telling the truth" and "just facing reality." Hold every story up to this light: ask, is this the way I would WANT it to be?
• Dont even try tricking yourself: if you tell a happy-faced story too far from where you are, you won't believe it - and you may end up feeling worse for noticing what you don't have. Tell yourself something believable and slightly better feeling. Then tell another. Then another one. When you feel a sense of relief, you're on your way

In a second study, researchers followed 54 of those same 89 people, half of whom had been diagnosed with major illnesses like cancer, heart disease or diabetes, in the six months after they  had recorded their life stories. The researchers measured mental health every six months for two years based on the same four themes.

The results: people whose personal narratives—the stories they told themselves—contained more agency, communion and redemption, and less contamination,  improved in mental health even after getting a serious illness.

Does mental health translate to physical health? Can the mind heal the body? Are the mind and body really separate entities?

You are the author and the actor in your lifestory. Which story would you like?

Personal narratives “keep us sane,” says Warren Kennaugh, a leading behavioral strategist based in Sydney, who works with clients on changing their narrative.

I say personal narratives keep us happy...or stuck.

Here are some examples of my own reframed personal narratives:

Interviews: I conducted 65 interview and had 64 rejections. Wow - this really clears out the people who will have no impact in my life sooner and makes room for the best people to come to me right now. Bring it on.

Relationships: I am divorcing after 22 years. The way is now clear for the great love of my life. And, since it’s healthier to be happy, I am creating expect glowing health as I clear out what makes me unhappy.  My best life can come sooner

One behavioral expert recommends looking at how the situation could have been worse.

I completely disagee.

For instance, if you get a cold and say, "At least I didn't get the flu," now you're thinking about the flu. In effect you're creating a story about something even worse than you experienced.

How does that color your narrative?

Words matter; choose them well. Don't be afraid of them; use them for gaining more and more clarity about what you do want. Tnis way you can bless all your words, as they are all helping you move in the direction you are choosing.

Our triathelete Bill Baker reached out to Greg Welch, a former triathlon world champion who also also suffered from heart problems, who responded with: “There is more to life than triathlon.”

Bill took it to heart. He continued to swim, bike and run for enjoyment rather than competition. He let go of times and pace and began to enjoy the fun.

He cherished the extra time with his wife; now they can take summer vacations.

Mr. Baker says little things bother him less: and he enjoys everything bigger.

So can you, no matter what.

If it's true that you often see that good things result from bad situations, why wait for the good things to show up? Write about them right now. Make your story believable before it becomes visible - in fact, the story is the only way anything ever becomes real.

Everything is always working out for you, just exactly as you wrote.

Comments

[Bell of Peace]

Good point of view. It is worth reading. www.bellofpeace.org

[Becky]

Since taking on teacher train my outlook on life has changed for the better, it was not bad before but why not have the BEST life possible. Things are always working out for me and better than I can imagine. And I have learned to allow the good tho happen and not feel bad or guilty because i deserve it!